His Grace is Sufficient for Me

Forgiving yourself.

This is a concept I've been struggling with - I want to say lately, but - my whole life.

I don't quite know how to come at it, because the phrase sounds very secular. Never once in the bible does it talk about forgiving yourself. All the articles I can find about have to do with accepting God's forgiveness, but somehow this strikes me as different. I know God forgives me, but I must admit I find it hard to comprehend. If I can't get past my own faults, assuming I am a selfish being by nature (and therefore wish to think highly of myself), how can the God of the universe move past them? This is silly reasoning of course, but that's not really what I want to talk about.

Almost all of my self hatred and regrets in life are relational. My biggest fear in life is misunderstanding. The fear that my actions or words or things left unsaid will have a negative effect. Let me clarify here: I am not so worried about what people think of me based on these misunderstandings (though that is part of it), but more how I may hurt someone. It is impossible for me to know everyone's deepest struggles, and it is impossible for them to fill in my blanks. So we are misunderstood.

I have many philosophies of why I speak first and think later, but the bottom line is I can hurt people with my words. This pierces me deeply. Even since I was small I would lie in bed and cry for my regrets - the people I had unintentionally hurt. Some would argue that this is just guilt, and though it is, I feel it goes deeper than that. I know I am forgiven for the future, but that doesn't change the past. No matter the forgiveness, I have still hurt someone, and that can never be reversed. God has forgiven me, but I am caught in the beleif that is between me and Him, and does not help the person I have wronged. Though deep down I know it can. Even now I often lie awake at night, thinking about this in endless circles until there's tear stains on the pillow case and I still have no answer. Perhaps the thing that plagues me the most is that no matter how hard I try I will do it again. And again. And again. And If forgiveness is repenting of your sins and not continuing to live in your sins then how can I be forgiven? It angers me that my thoughts can't keep up with my mouth. I don't just mean that I speak before I think. It takes me days, even weeks, to come up with a proper answer to the most basic of questions. Obviously, if I waited that long, the people I was speaking to would be long gone. So I speak when I'm spoken to; and then some.

Many times I simply hope that people will understand my good intentions - give me the benefit of the doubt. Because of my insecurities, I often do this for others. Not always, but sometimes. But I have realized this is not the case, and even those I thought knew me don't seem to get it. My own insicurities come in the way of my relationship with them: Do they truly have such a negative image of me? Do they think I am so shallow that I do not to realize the harm I have done? That is perhaps the worst part.

The worst image I could think of is someone who doesn't care for other people. Problem is, I suppose I care too much, or perhaps in the wrong way. But who is able to see this in a person, much less in a person like me? My self hatred comes into play yet again. It is arguable that I care too much about other people's opinion, and I should care more about Gods opinion. This is true. Completely and entirely true. But as a Christian, I am called to love. How can the people surrounding me feel Gods love in me if all I do is hurt them? I often feel that they cannot.

In our society today, a popular viewpoint is to look after yourself. You shouldn't care what people think of you, and besides they probably didn't even notice or care, and they should 'just get over it!' These are common phrases. Many times I am tempted to take this view point, in order to console myself. 'I'm probably making it a bigger deal than it actually is.' But I've learned that the smallest thing can hurt someone deeply. How can we expect them to simply brush it off? How is that love?

I don't know if I'll ever find the answer. Sometimes I wonder if I know it already. I suppose some of this is tied in my struggle with my own unworthiness before God. But is forgiving yourself a part of faith? The idea sounds so self-righteous to me. Who are we, of all people, to judge ourselves?

After re reading this several times, I have come to see the fault of this thinking. Somehow in the midst of it all I have become so caught up in my own insecurities that it is no longer about the person I have wronged, but about me.  I feel so terrible.  I am a pitiful human being. In the end I am being eaten up by guilt so much it has brought me further from the truth. And all for nothing. What is in the past is in the past. I must humble myself and ask for fogiveness, both from God, and from the people I have wronged. Dwelling in the past is only wallowing in misery. In this way the devil keeps me from moving on into a brighter future. The only thing that matters is God's forgiveness for me. It has wiped away all my sins.

“For as the heavens are high above the earth, so great is His mercy toward those who fear Him; as far as the east is from the west, so far has He removed our transgressions from us.” ~Psalm 103:11-12

God Wants Me as I Am

Around last June, a distant cousin of mine shared his testimony after a missionary trip to Africa. Now, I don't want to misquote him, but he said something like how his mentors always told him to strive to be a better person, but he began to realize he was trying too hard to be someone else - a person others thought he was meant to be - when God had called him only to be himself.

I didn't even realize that I was struggling with the same thing until he said it. I cried with relief that night. Stress had been bringing me down. Every day I would say 'today I will be a better person,' but then something completely out of my control would happen, and I would guilt myself, saying tomorrow I would be better. Just a state of perpetual guilt. This revelation stopped that.

God made me who I am for a reason. I can't keep looking around and comparing myself, trying to be someone I'm not. Yes, people can change, and we should all strive to be better, to be like Jesus, but we can't lose sight of who we are in the process. It becomes an endless cycle of us trying to be different. Trying, only to fail. I compared myself to the people around me, the messages saying that I wasn't trying hard enough, that I could be better, but at the end of the day I was exhausted and it still wasn't enough. I felt like I was failing my purpose. But I think I was looking for God's purpose for me in all the wrong places. When people asked me to do things I felt I couldn't do, it sent me on a guilt trip. For all I thought I knew, I was avoiding my calling. Was this God prompting me? Yet I chose to ignore it? Many thought my excuse of being busy wasn't good enough. Everyone is busy. But I didn't even have time for the things I thought mattered most: family, friends, and church. What I needed to realize is that not everything thrown my way is my calling. Just because I felt guilt doesn't mean I'd done something wrong. God has a special purpose for me, and this might be it. Or it may not be. I was so caught up in this guilt that I forgot that Jesus loves me for who I am now, not who I keep promising I will be. I have a different calling. It is unlike the callings of the people around me, or their expectations of me. Sure God can move mountains, and he can surely do great things through me. But that does not mean I have been called to move mountains. God has something in store for me and he'll use me just the way I am.

"Then Jesus said, 'come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light.'"
Matthew 11:28-30

Why does tap water from the bathroom taste better than tap water from the kitchen?

This is not just my imagination. I have mentioned this to a handful of people that freak out and say with triumph: "I knew I wasn't the only one!" And then we get into a very animated discusion on why we think it is that way.
Now, I have a couple theories about this, so hear me out.

Firstly, I have heard that you bathroom water pipes are often closest to the main water source, and therefore, because they travel a smaller distance through the pipes, it tastes better, You know, less like water pipes, backed up sewage and such.

I also think, possibly, that all that hand cleaning that goes on some how cleans the pipes and makes the water taste fresher and cleaner. Then again, if that was the case, our bathroom water might taste a little like soap.
Or maybe, because of all the yucky stuff that happens in bathrooms, more chlorine  is some how added to the water and that makes it taste cleaner. Then again, maybe chlorine doesn't actually taste all that great.

But maybe it isn't the bathroom water that tastes better, but the kitchen water that tastes worse. You know all that left over meat loaf that no one ends up eating or the vegetables you know you should eat but you some how manage to fill you stomach before you get to them? Maybe they some how get backed up into the system!

Of course, not everyone shares my opinion on tap water. My mother, for instance, doesn't like bathroom water. She thinks it's perhaps because the sink happens to be right next to the toilet.
But who knows? This is one of life's great mysteries that may never be solved.

A Devo With No Real Topic

I just wanted to talk to you about... things. Things surrounding prayer. Important things.

Prayer is our way of communicating with God. If you grew up in a christian home, prayer is probably some thing you do regularly. My family does it before meals and before bed. We pray at church too.
But one thing I've realized, is that some times when I pray, It's kind of like its still fake. It's still pretend. We just are praying to some thing because that's what we've been taught, that's what we've grown up doing, that's what we've been taught to do. Not that we don't believe that God is real, but we're praying to nothing, kind of. Like, for example, when we sin, do some thing bad, isn't it easier to confess to God than our parents. I realize that, when we confess to God, it's kind of like "oh, yeah, I sinned, can you forgive me god?"
But when we have to say it to some one, It's hard. We actually have to put flesh on the person we're talking to, we have to look them in the eye, there's eye contact. I wish it wasn't like that, I mean, Don't you think it should be harder to confess to God, the judge over all, than to confess to a person? Some one who's opinion doesn't matter at all?
When we pray, we thank God for things, ask him for things, and other stuff. But when we do it, it's like we're just praying to nothing that might actually do some thing for us. But some times we don't expect much of an answer. We just hope that MAYBE God might do some thing. 'Cause God doesn't always answer our prayers. It's just some one we believe in and might help us once in a while, take care of us.
And some times we expect things we shouldn't. Like when some thing bad happens, we might say "Why did you do that Lord?" or "Why did you let that happen?" We expect things that we shouldn't. We expect that if we believe in God and follow him, he'll make sure bad things don't happen, that we'll have a perfect life. That's not what it's like. God is here to protect us, help us, save us, but more spiritually than physically, I think. (As in, my opinion, not, "I'm not sure")He saves us from our sins. He's not JUST there to help us on earth, not that he wont help you, he loves us and wants us to live a happy life on earth. But if we didn't know the opposite of happiness, we wouldn't know happiness at all. God allows bad things to happen for reasons we don't, and may never, know. The world is full of sin. That is why bad things happen. It's our own sin that affects us, affects others.

This Devotion has gone to many topics and all over the place, but I hope you got the main idea.
Even though there isn't one. I think most of this revolves around prayer.

Devo (Short for devotion, but I don't think this devo's very short)

Thanksgiving Devo

I listened to the radio late last night and, considering it's a station in the USA, they were talking about thanksgiving and being thankful. (I think we should be thankful more than just one day of the year) This is part of what they said (In my own words) and a little that I added myself. This story's from some part in the Bible, I'm not really sure where though.

There was a widow and she had no money and no food, except a little flour and oil. He son was dying from starvation.
A prophet (I forget which) came and asked for a drink of water. She drew some water from the well and gave it to him. Then he asked for some food. She said, well, I'm sorry, but I have no food but a little flour and oil.
The prophet said, If you will make me some bread, your flour and oil will not run out.
The woman figured she could make a little bit of bread for herself and son, and a little for the man, so she started to make some bread.
As the prophet had said, the flour and oil didn't run out.
Months past, maybe even years, the bible doesn't say, the flour and oil didn't run out, but the widows son became sick, not from starvation, but from another illness, and died.
The woman goes to the prophet and says, why did you save my son from starvation if he was just going to die of another illness?
So the prophet bows over the widows son and prays, the Lord brings the boy back to life.
The widow says, now I know that you are a true man of God.

What? NOW? NOW she knows he is a man of God and that God will help you? NOW? For months, maybe even years, she has had a never ending food supply. But only NOW does she believe.
You see, we thank God for all the big things he does, but we forget to thank him for the little things. Like food. We get so used to  having it, it's an everyday miracle.

My youth leader said that when she was younger, she had waited for God to do some thing amazing in her life, like some huge miracle. She is looking for some thing amazing that he does. She prayed that God would do something miraculous in her life. Finally, she went to her dad and told him about it. He asked her if she had eaten anything that day. She said yes, she had. He asked her if she had slept in a bed with a roof over her head. She said yes, but that wasn't what she meant. He said, there's your miracle. You have food, many people have no food. They have Nothing to eat. You had a bed and a nice place to sleep in, a shelter. Many people have no home, they have to sleep on the ground in the middle of no-where.

We look for all the big things God does in our lives. Look at what you have. THERE is your miracle. It's not some one being amazingly raised from the dead, it's not some one being magically healed. But it's a miracle.
Are you breathing? Do you have food? Do you have a nice bed? Do you have a roof over your head? THERE is your miracle.