Around last June, a distant cousin of mine shared his testimony after a missionary trip to Africa. Now, I don't want to misquote him, but he said something like how his mentors always told him to strive to be a better person, but he began to realize he was trying too hard to be someone else - a person others thought he was meant to be - when God had called him only to be himself.
I didn't even realize that I was struggling with the same thing until he said it. I cried with relief that night. Stress had been bringing me down. Every day I would say 'today I will be a better person,' but then something completely out of my control would happen, and I would guilt myself, saying tomorrow I would be better. Just a state of perpetual guilt. This revelation stopped that.
God made me who I am for a reason. I can't keep looking around and comparing myself, trying to be someone I'm not. Yes, people can change, and we should all strive to be better, to be like Jesus, but we can't lose sight of who we are in the process. It becomes an endless cycle of us trying to be different. Trying, only to fail. I compared myself to the people around me, the messages saying that I wasn't trying hard enough, that I could be better, but at the end of the day I was exhausted and it still wasn't enough. I felt like I was failing my purpose. But I think I was looking for God's purpose for me in all the wrong places. When people asked me to do things I felt I couldn't do, it sent me on a guilt trip. For all I thought I knew, I was avoiding my calling. Was this God prompting me? Yet I chose to ignore it? Many thought my excuse of being busy wasn't good enough. Everyone is busy. But I didn't even have time for the things I thought mattered most: family, friends, and church. What I needed to realize is that not everything thrown my way is my calling. Just because I felt guilt doesn't mean I'd done something wrong. God has a special purpose for me, and this might be it. Or it may not be. I was so caught up in this guilt that I forgot that Jesus loves me for who I am now, not who I keep promising I will be. I have a different calling. It is unlike the callings of the people around me, or their expectations of me. Sure God can move mountains, and he can surely do great things through me. But that does not mean I have been called to move mountains. God has something in store for me and he'll use me just the way I am.
"Then Jesus said, 'come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light.'"
Matthew 11:28-30
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