Forgiving yourself.
This is a concept I've been struggling with - I want to say lately, but - my whole life.
I
don't quite know how to come at it, because the phrase sounds very
secular. Never once in the bible does it talk about forgiving yourself.
All the articles I can find about have to do with accepting God's
forgiveness, but somehow this strikes me as different. I know God
forgives me, but I must admit I
find it hard to comprehend. If I can't get past my own faults, assuming I
am a selfish being by nature (and therefore wish to think highly of
myself), how can the God of the universe move past them? This is silly
reasoning of course, but that's not really what I want to talk about.
Almost all
of my self hatred and regrets in life are relational. My biggest fear
in life is misunderstanding. The fear that my actions or words or things
left unsaid will have a negative effect. Let me clarify here: I am not
so worried about what people think of me based on these
misunderstandings (though that is part of it), but more how I may hurt
someone. It is impossible for me to know everyone's deepest struggles,
and it is impossible for them to fill in my blanks. So we are misunderstood.
I
have many philosophies of why I speak first and think later, but the bottom
line is I can hurt people with my words. This pierces me deeply. Even since I was small I would lie in bed and cry for my regrets -
the people I had unintentionally hurt. Some would argue that this is
just guilt, and though it is, I feel it goes deeper than that. I know I
am forgiven for the future, but that doesn't change the past. No matter
the forgiveness, I have still hurt someone, and that can never be
reversed. God has forgiven me, but I am caught in the beleif that is between me and Him, and does not help the person I have
wronged. Though deep down I know it can. Even now I often lie awake at night, thinking about this in
endless circles until there's tear stains on the pillow case and I still
have no answer. Perhaps the thing that plagues me the most is that no
matter how hard I try I will do it again. And again. And again. And If
forgiveness is repenting of your sins and not continuing to live in your
sins then how can I be forgiven? It angers me that my thoughts can't
keep up with my mouth. I don't just mean that I speak before I think. It
takes me days, even weeks, to come up with a proper answer to the most
basic of questions. Obviously, if I waited that long, the people I was speaking to
would be long gone. So I speak when I'm spoken to; and then some.
Many
times I simply hope that people will understand my good intentions - give me the benefit of the doubt. Because of my insecurities, I often do this for others. Not always, but sometimes. But I have realized this is not the case, and even
those I thought knew me don't seem to get it. My own insicurities come in the way of my relationship with them: Do they truly have such a
negative image of me? Do they think I am so shallow that I do not to
realize the harm I have done? That is perhaps the worst part.
The
worst image I could think of is someone who doesn't care for other
people. Problem is, I suppose I care too much, or perhaps in the wrong way. But who is able to see
this in a person, much less in a person like me? My self hatred comes into play yet again. It is arguable that I
care too much about other people's opinion, and I should care more about
Gods opinion. This is true. Completely and entirely true. But as a
Christian, I am called to love. How can the people surrounding me feel
Gods love in me if all I do is hurt them? I often feel that they cannot.
In
our society today, a popular viewpoint is to look after yourself. You
shouldn't care what people think of you, and besides they probably didn't even
notice or care, and they should 'just get over it!' These are common phrases. Many times I
am tempted to take this view point, in order to console myself. 'I'm
probably making it a bigger deal than it actually is.' But I've learned
that the smallest thing can hurt someone deeply. How can we expect them
to simply brush it off? How is that love?
I
don't know if I'll ever find the answer. Sometimes I wonder if I know
it already. I suppose some of this is tied in my struggle with my own
unworthiness before God. But is forgiving yourself a part of faith? The
idea sounds so self-righteous to me. Who are we, of all people, to judge
ourselves?
After re reading this several times, I have come to see the fault of this thinking. Somehow in the midst of it all I have become so caught up in my own insecurities that it is no longer about the person I have wronged, but about me. I feel so terrible. I am a pitiful human being. In the end I am being eaten up by guilt so much it has brought me further from the truth. And all for nothing. What is in the past is in the past. I must humble myself and ask for fogiveness, both from God, and from the people I have wronged. Dwelling in the past is only wallowing in misery. In this way the devil keeps me from moving on into a brighter future. The only thing that matters is God's forgiveness for me. It has wiped away all my sins.
“For
as the heavens are high above the earth, so great is His mercy toward
those who fear Him; as far as the east is from the west, so far has He
removed our transgressions from us.” ~Psalm 103:11-12
